


all that i know is i don’t know (how to be something you miss)

by afoldedpapermoon



Series: family tingz [2]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: 2jin - Freeform, Brief Mentions of Bullying, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Slight Internalized Homophobia, Yvesoul - Freeform, heejin is in her rebellious stage, slight coming of age, yvesoul are her moms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 21:03:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18677359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afoldedpapermoon/pseuds/afoldedpapermoon
Summary: it hurts so much more when you’re attached to the the person that leaves.that’s why she keeps hyunjin at arms length— always just barely out of her grasp.or; heejin’s ex-best friend weasels her way back into her life at the worst time possible.





	all that i know is i don’t know (how to be something you miss)

**Author's Note:**

> sequel of yvesoul piano fic.
> 
> a reading today!

 

 

when she’s sixteen, her mom says something to her that makes her hand stop mid-air where it hovers over the car door handle. she had just gotten picked up from the principal’s office again. the purple bruise was still beginning to form on her face.

 

chaewon’s fault.

 

“i just don’t understand; when did you become so hostile?”

 

honestly, heejin doesn’t think she knows either.

 

which is strange, because she likes to think she’s a pretty observant person. since she was six she felt like she had to be; like if she picked apart every little detail she could find some way for everyone to like her.

 

for her classmates to stop staring. for the little girls she watched in the sandbox be able to play with her.

 

she thinks she’s always had a fear of people disliking her. she remembers starting her first stupid little league soccer match and passing to the wrong team.

 

she hid under the bleachers for an hour after the game. jinsoul was almost in tears when she finally found her, her small body cramping from the awkward position she lay in under the metal, hands and face stained with dirt.

 

maybe that’s when it started.

 

not the animosity she felt towards her mothers— that started a little later in life, when her mom walked down the isle with the brightest smile she’d ever seen on her face.

 

but maybe that’s when she lets her fear of what people think start impacting her.

 

she notices a lot of things. like how her sister’s not growing out of her overbite like the orthodontist said she would. how her mom’s eyebrows furrow every time her eldest daughter walks into the room. how chaewon’s eyes linger a little too long on hyejoo.

 

that really irks her.

 

so she doesn’t understand why she can’t think of the moment she started “acting out,” as her mother would say.

 

but then again, maybe she’s just not as observant as she thinks she is.

 

she never was when it came to hyunjin.

 

that’s probably why the younger broke off their decade-long friendship.

 

because no matter how attentive she thinks she is, it doesn’t make up for her lack of emotional intelligence.

 

realistically, that’s probably why hyunjin dropped her at the beginning of the year. but whatever, she should have known heejin wasn’t the type of person to talk about her feelings.

 

she glances back at her mom. the brunette is donning the disappointed look that seemed oh so common when it came to her.

 

the sound of the car door slamming echoes down the street.

 

but she still thinks about it into the early hours of the morning.

 

maybe it started when her mother decided to put herself before her kids.

 

yeah, that seemed about right.

 

///

 

she doesn’t really know when kim hyunjin comes into her life, and she doesn’t really care.

 

she knows it’s sometime after she begins her short lived soccer career, but a little bit before everyone at school starts calling her mom words like, “dyke.”

 

the younger is like a constant light, even in the darkest parts of heejin’s life. her cat- like eyes and toothy grin set her aside from anyone else she’d ever known.

 

the first thing she notices about her is that hyunjin is weird. she makes strange animal noises, and sometimes she crawls around their classroom instead of walking like everyone else.

 

she thinks that maybe she’s trying to overcompensate just like heejin. maybe she also has that whole ‘eager to please’ thing that completely clouds the way she thinks.

 

the taller’s dad was some huge business mogul until he made a bad deal. so bad that his daughter now lived with her grandmother across town.

 

the older doesn’t pry, or judge. actually, for the first few years of them being friends she barely speaks at all.

 

because jinsoul was in her life for a moment, and then gone just like that.

 

she starts to close herself off to others when that happens. she’d seen a lot of people leave. like her dad when she was a toddler, and later her aunt jiwoo when she moved to another country to be with her girlfriend.

 

she finds out it hurts so much more when you’re already attached.

 

that’s why she keeps hyunjin at a distance; always at arms length, just barely out of her grasp.

 

they do all the normal things friends do, like ride their bikes to the corner store and walk her dog, moomin around the park.

 

but she thinks that they’re anything but normal.

 

she tries not to notice in middle school when the younger’s stare becomes more intense when she looks at her, or when she blushes every time her hand brushes heejin’s.

 

she really can’t afford to lose another person in her life.

 

jinsoul had already come back a while ago, her mom becoming infinitely happier.

 

but it wasn’t the same.

 

now, she pretends it doesn’t affect her when her mother says she can’t play cards with her because her and the blonde are going on a date.

 

she forces a tight lipped smile when she has to walk home in the rain because jinsoul has to meet with the florist for the wedding.

 

her eyes remain emotionless when they leave her and hyejoo with countless nannies every summer so they can go celebrate their anniversary in hawaii.

 

because she’s given up on trying to care—on trying to pick apart the details.

 

hyunjin giggles at almost everything she says and she doesn’t notice.

 

she buys them matching rings that she says are for friendship and she thinks about it as such. nothing more.

 

the taller girl says, “i love you,” through the phone every night they talk. she says it back. her voice sounds monotone even to her own ears.

 

but hyunjin makes her happier than anyone else in her life.

 

she tells herself that it’s because the younger cares about her like no one else seems to.

 

when they’re laying in heejin’s queen sized bed located in her shiny mansion courtesy of her step mom, she ignores how for a fleeting moment she wonders when the other got so pretty.

 

and when some guy asks her best friend out their freshman year, she doesn’t read into how the younger girl’s eyes fleet to her own, almost like she’s asking her to make a move.

 

so when hyunjin tells her that they should stop hanging out, she sees it coming.

 

and if she sobs into her pillow almost every night for a week, she’d never tell anyone.

 

she thinks it’s because she’s never been good at talking about her feelings.

 

really, she’s just scared.

 

///

 

“what the hell do you want?” she grumbles, walking a few paces faster in an effort to escape the tiny blonde.

 

“dude, calm down,” chaewon says, slightly out of breath. she catches the older’s wrist, effectively making heejin’s head whip around to meet her eyes.

 

“hye says you haven’t been home in a while, she’s worried,” her friend explains. the taller rips her hand out of the blonde’s grip.

 

senior year has been solely dedicated to dance for her, as she eventually wanted to apply to be a trainee. she spent countless nights in the studio after stealing the teacher’s keys and making a copy of her own.

 

“i’ve been around,” she mumbles, walking the other way. chaewon doesn’t let up as she continues to follow her.

 

“well, you should talk to her,” she huffs.

 

heejin stops in her tracks abruptly, making the other crash into her back.

 

“why the hell do you care? do you not have better things to talk about other than me?” she seethes, arms crossing defensively.

 

the blonde rolls her eyes. “please, i’d rather talk about the fucking stock market than talk about you,” she groans.

 

that’s why she was her only friend after hyunjin. she was never scared of her bullshit.

 

they stare at eachother for a moment.

 

“tell hyejoo to stop worrying.”

 

she ignores the calls of her name when she walks straight out of the building instead of her next class.

 

her hand fumbles in her pocket for a second until she finds what she’s looking for, pulling a lollipop from her coat and popping it into her mouth.

 

“hey, heejin,” she hears from behind her. she turns to see the smiling face of shin ryujin in front of her.

 

“what?” she asks softly, bringing the candy out of her mouth.

 

“i’m having a party on the weekend, i wanted to know if you’d come?”

 

the younger looks so hopeful. she pretends she’s unaware of the blatantly obvious crush the other has on her.

 

“i don’t know, i’ll probably be in the studio,” she mumbles, eyes averting anywhere else but the girl’s face.

 

“well at least think about it? hyunjin is putting a lot of effort into getting booze,” ryujin laughs, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

 

heejin’s smile doesn’t reach her eyes when she turns around and gets into her car.

 

neither her or hyunjin had told anyone explicitly that they weren’t friends anymore, so everyone just assumed they drifted apart.

 

her teeth ache when she fully bites into the candy, a loud crunch ringing through her porsche.

 

when she gets home she sleeps for the rest of the day. she does say a brief greeting to her sister after remembering chaewon’s words, though.

 

“hey, are you going to that party?” hyejoo asks as heejin begins to walk down the hall. she backtracks a few steps.

 

“probably not.”

 

the younger looks disappointed for a moment.

 

“well, chae said that she’s going. i thought since we won’t get to go to any more parties together after this year...” she trails off, looking to the side shyly.

 

the older sighs. it was hard for her to say no to her sister, she had always felt some sort of responsibility for the other.

 

“i’ll go for a bit, but i’m not staying long,” she relents.

 

“okay, cool,” hyejoo squeaks. she knows that she’s a lot more excited than she lets on.

 

it almost makes her feel bad that the younger felt the need to downplay her emotions around her.

 

but she tries not to notice.

 

///

 

ryujin’s parties are always loud and packed, as everyone naturally flocks to one of the most popular girls in school’s party on a saturday night.

 

heejin grimaces as some sweaty boy bumps into her, narrowly missing her shirt as his drink sloshes out of his cup.

 

she pushes her way through the crowd, seeking out her sister.

 

her steps are halted when she finds her, but sees her making out with another girl.

 

—a girl that was definitely not chaewon, as she can tell from the bright purple of her hair.

 

her feet move frantically through the house as she tries to find the blonde, eyes searching the room.

 

the bodies make her dizzy, though as the loud bass shakes the floor. that’s probably why she stumbles over her own feet, body crashing into another slightly larger and more muscular one.

 

of course, kim hyunjin would be the one to catch her.

 

“are you alright?” the taller girl shouts over the music.

 

heejin shakes her head quickly as she tries to seek out chaewon once more.

 

“are you looking for someone?” hyunjin asks, eyes trained on her face.

 

she sighs as she contemplates whether she should answer. but she really needed to find her friend.

 

“park chaewon,” she says, moving closer to the girl’s ear. the younger turns her body slightly, pointing at the sliding doors leading to the outside patio.

 

she nods her head in thanks as she pushes through the crowd once more.

 

the blonde is sitting on the steps emotionlessly, eyes staring ahead blankly as tears gloss her cheeks.

 

heejin sits without a word. they don’t need to speak to understand eachother.

 

chaewon sniffs loudly. “that’s yerim. she asked hyejoo out tonight,” the younger explains. her eyes seem to gloss over even more.

 

the older hums in acknowledgement.

 

“i’m sorry,” she says stoically. it’s probably not very comforting, but her friend still nods.

 

“she never liked me,” she whispers. heejin’s mouth twists awkwardly.

 

“sorry.”

 

“it’s okay.”

 

the two sit for another few minutes before chaewon stands from her spot on the steps.

 

“i should go.”

 

the older gives her a weak smile.

 

she stays outside just staring into the trees behind ryujin’s house. she thinks about when things were simple in her life.

 

when jinsoul called her ‘bunny’ and swung her hand aggressively as they walked, making the younger girl giggle loudly.

 

when her mom and her went to see ballet shows in the city, the brunette explaining every little technical detail to the stunned child.

 

the sliding door opens behind her. she doesn’t know why, but she knows who it is without turning.

 

“you find your friend?” hyunjin asks quietly.

 

the wind picks up a bit, making her hair blow out of her face and her eyes squint.

 

“yeah,” she breathes. the younger sits next to her on the wood.

 

“haven’t seen you in a while,” she muses, small smile making her dimple pop on her cheek.

 

her shoulders shrug meekly.

 

“hyejoo wanted me to come.”

 

hyunjin nods in understanding. she knew the other rarely denied her sister.

 

heejin briefly wonders what people would think of they saw them sitting there. in middle school, people already made up rumours about them being secretly gay and in love, which lead heejin to start distancing herself. she thinks that was the beginning of their demise.

 

the silence between them is comfortable until the taller breaks it.

 

“ryujin says you’re in the studio dancing a lot. are you still going to be a trainee?” she questions.

 

her eyes meet the other’s. “you don’t have to do that,” she says softly.

 

“do what?”

 

“pretend like you care.”

 

“i do care.”

 

the older stares for a long moment.

 

“okay.”

 

hyunjin’s eyes bore into her own, gaze just as intense as middle school.

 

“do you wanna... i don’t know... maybe hang out sometime?” she mumbles.

 

heejin blinks in response.

 

“i just want to be civil before you flee across the country.”

 

she blinks again.

 

she pretends not to notice the hesitation lingering in the other’s voice— like she’s scared of her.

 

“alright,” she responds finally.

 

hyunjin breaks into a toothy grin.

 

“alright,” she repeats.

 

the smaller girl’s jaw locks as she watches her walk away, disappearing into the crowd.

 

always just barely out of her grasp.

 

///

 

the thump of her bag hitting the ground echoes through the house, even making herself jump back.

 

it had been a long day of sitting in class pretending to be doing something.

 

“heejin, are you home?” she hears her mom say. the familiar sound of her voice makes her cringe internally.

 

she doesn’t answer, simply just lets the woman walk out of the kitchen to find her.

 

“i need to talk to you about something,” the brunette says.

 

in her hand is a crisp white letter with the word, ‘bbc’ stamped onto it.

 

her eyes widen as she takes in the fact that not only did her top choice company send her a letter, but also that her mom was holding it asking her very ominously to talk.

 

“yeah?” she mumbles, eyes glued to the paper.

 

“why didn’t you tell me about this?” sooyoung asks, shaking said paper in her hand.

 

her eyes follow every movement, mouth practically watering with how badly she wants to open it.

 

“does it matter?”

 

her mom gasps offendedly. “of course it does, bbc is across the country,” she exasperates.

 

heejin tears her eyes away to meet her mother’s.

 

“i know.”

 

the words are spoken so monotone that the brunette seems to shrink back.

 

“i could have helped you apply,” she says quietly, eyes softening.

 

the younger stays stiff. “i still got a letter,” she points out.

 

her mom seems to ponder her next words carefully, head tilting as she scrutinizes every feature of her face.

 

“well, why don’t we open it together?” she asks hopefully.

 

heejin really doesn’t want to do that. she doesn’t want her mother to be a part of one of the most joyous moments of her life.

 

and even more she really doesn’t want her mother to give her fake sympathy if god forbid she didn’t get accepted.

 

but she nods solemnly as the taller woman hands her the letter.

 

she opens it, hands shaking.

 

it takes her a few tries to actually read the first sentence, her nerves blurring her vision.

 

“what does it say?” the brunette questions curiously.

 

heejin stares at it blankly.

 

“i didn’t get in,” she mumbles, eyes refusing to leave the words scrawled onto the paper.

 

“oh, heekie i’m so s—“

 

she turns on her heel and pads to her room quietly.

 

her room is too big and too quiet for her. she briefly remembers the glowing star stickers and potted plants she once had. how her old room was never quiet because of the train station right outside.

 

she takes a moment to miss that.

 

but that’s in the past. this is right now.

 

the ringtone of her phone snaps her out of her zombie-like daze as she picks it up automatically.

 

“hey, sorry to call unexpectedly but, um... do you want to meet me at the soccer field?”

 

hyunjin.

 

“okay,” she whispers.

 

her mom doesn’t say a word to her when she walks out the door.

 

she’s glad.

 

the soccer field is just the same as she last remembers it, the only stark difference being the clean coat of paint recently put onto the posts.

 

“hey,” hyunjin speaks. she’s sitting in the middle of the grass, eyes closed and head tilted towards the sun that was slowly fading over the horizon.

 

“hey.”

 

the younger pops open one eye to look at her.

 

“this is probably weird.”

 

heejin nods. “it is.”

 

she sits down.

 

“i just wanted to talk to you before you leave to wherever it is you’re applying,” the other girl explains.

 

she doesn’t understand the sudden interest in reconciling. it seemed like the younger was pretty content with ignoring her for the last few years.

 

“so, where are you applying?” she hears her ask, breaking the older out of her thoughts.

 

“it doesn’t matter,” she answers robotically.

 

hyunjin looks at her softly.

 

“you didn’t get in?”

 

she shakes her head.

 

“does that mean i get to keep you for a little longer?” the younger asks with a smile.

 

heejin meets her eyes.

 

“why are you doing this?” she asks quietly, voice breaking. she doesn’t mean to sound as hurt as she does.

 

hyunjin’s smile falters. “i miss you,” she admits.

 

that wasn’t what she expected to hear.

 

“oh,” she breathes quietly.

 

she doesn’t know how to ease the obvious tension between the two.

 

luckily, she doesn’t have to.

 

“do you wanna get ice cream? that place is still right around the corner from here,” the younger asks.

 

she nods in agreement.

 

the parlour is also the same as she remembers.

 

it feels monotonous to be able to recognize all these places so easily. it makes her palms curl as she thinks about how badly she wants to get out of here.

 

her and hyunjin sit by the window, each drinking a milkshake. she remembers all the times her moms would bring her and hyejoo here after soccer.

 

“do you remember the summer between seventh and eighth grade?” the younger speaks suddenly.

 

heejin nods. she thinks she remembers every time they’ve ever shared together.

 

“we came here all the time, you said this was the last place you felt at home in,” the other recalls wistfully.

 

the older looks out the window as she sips on her dessert.

 

“i remember,” she speaks softly.

 

hyunjin grabs her hand from across the table.

 

“you made me promise to always be your friend.”

 

their eyes gaze into each other’s intensely.

 

“i’m sorry i broke that promise,” the younger tells her.

 

she pulls her hand away gently.

 

“why did you?” she asks.

 

the other girl shrugs. “it seemed like we weren’t on the same page.”

 

she knows what she’s actually saying. ‘you never showed any sign that you liked me back.’

 

“and we are now?” she says skeptically. hyunjin shakes her head.

 

“no, but i think i’m okay with it now.”

 

heejin doesn’t want her to be okay with it.

 

she tells her as such.

 

the younger looks taken aback for a moment before she speaks.

 

“then maybe we are on the same page,” she says softly.

 

they walk home in relative silence, heejin taking note of every crack visible in the sidewalk.

 

hyunjin lives right down the street, so she drops her off first.

 

the younger stares at her expectantly for a moment. “do you want to come in?” she asks.

 

she contemplates what she should say. she could go in and rekindle the friendship that they once had, or she could go home to her concerned mother and sulk in her room.

 

“i’m actually going to the dance studio, but maybe another time?”

 

hyunjin nods, giving her a toothy smile.

 

“alright.”

 

she spends the rest of the night dancing, wondering where she went wrong.

 

///

 

her head sways back and forth as she tries not to fall asleep in the middle of her algebra class.

 

she had spent the night playing some stupid game with her sister, and unfortunately, her moms didn’t trust her enough to let her stay home as they did hyejoo.

 

bitches.

 

the teachers monotone voice doesn’t help the way her eyes close involuntarily. she’s about to just say ‘fuck it,’ and go to sleep when ryujin turns around, knocking on her desk a few times.

 

“hey,” the girl whispers.

 

heejin raises a single eyebrow in response.

 

“look, i’ll be frank,” the younger starts. she suddenly feels strangely awake.

 

“jisu got strep throat really badly and we need another vocalist for our show tonight. you in?”

 

ryujin’s band was extremely popular at their school for the impressive following the four girls managed to get in a short amount of time. they mostly played at local venues— restaurants and bars being the most popular, even though they’re underage. heejin doesn’t understand how ryujin gets away with as much as she does, but she supposed it’s part of the girl’s charm that everyone seems to love.

 

the older takes a moment to think. she did really love to sing, and it wasn’t like she was going to get the opportunity very often after being rejected from bbc.

 

but she also didn’t want anyone to think that her and ryujin had something going on.

 

the younger sighs before adding one more thing.

 

“i’ll pay you twenty percent.”

 

“i’m in.”

 

she forces hyejoo to get out of bed and get her a pack of red bull, knowing she won’t be able to stay awake without it.

 

her feet walk swiftly through the campus, trying to get to her car as fast as she can. suddenly, a large hand grabs her wrist, stopping her in her tracks.

 

hyunjin.

 

“hey, ryujin told me you’re singing with the band tonight,” she smiles. heejin nods awkwardly.

 

“uh, yeah,” she mumbles, pulling her hand away.

 

“well i just thought i’d let you know i’ll be there,” the girl says. her smile drops when she sees the mortified look on the other’s face.

 

“i mean, i’m always there because sometimes i play guitar and ryujin and i are really close, and—“ the younger starts rambling, cheeks turning red.

 

heejin cuts her off with a giggle.

 

“it’s alright. i’ll see you there,” she says, turning and walking away.

 

“yeah, i’ll see you,” hyunjin shouts behind her.

 

three red bulls and a discreet shot of tequila from her mom’s liquor cabinet later, she thinks she’s ready to go on stage.

 

ryujin greets her with an overly enthusiastic hug and smile, making her cringe.

 

the other band members, yeji and yena, simply give her a curt nod.

 

“so, are you nervous? it’ll be your first show,” ryujin asks. heejin shrugs.

 

“i don’t know,” she mumbles, uninterested.

 

the younger looks like she’s going to attempt at flirting once more when she sees her face flash with annoyance.

 

she turns to be greeted with the sight of kim hyunjin holding a bouquet of flowers.

 

heejin rushes up to her, eager to escape the situation. the younger gives her a blinding smile, thrusting the flowers towards her.

 

“for me?” she asks quietly.

 

hyunjin nods, faint blush dusting her cheeks for the second time that day.

 

“thank you,” she whispers, offering a small smile.

 

“heejin, we’re on in ten minutes,” yena shouts. she didn’t realize her and her friend were having a stare-off until now.

 

“i should go,” she mutters nervously.

 

hyunjin grabs her hand.

 

“you’ll be great.”

 

the older stares a little too intensely into the girl’s pretty eyes before nodding.

 

“okay,” she breathes.

 

she walks away, putting the flowers down where they won’t get damaged before following the other girls.

 

yeji introduces them quickly, prompting shouts from the audience, who all looked like they were anticipating just how well the new girl lived up to jisu.

 

the first few notes of their song play, one that ryujin had sent her to listen to right after class. ‘dreams’ by fleetwood mac seemed like an odd choice, but she didn’t say a word.

 

she’s lucky she already knew all the words to it, as her mom was weirdly obsessed with stevie nicks.

 

her and yeji harmonize perfectly through the song, as ryujin and yena show off on the guitar and drums, making the crowd cheer even louder.

 

adrenaline courses through her as she starts to feel more comfortable on the stage.

 

she searches the crowd only for a few seconds before she finds hyunjin near the front, hands cupped around her mouth as loud cheers came from her body.

 

heejin smiles brightly at the younger, beginning to get brave as she effortlessly throws in a few runs in the last chorus.

 

when the song ends and the audience erupts in ear-shattering screams, she laughs in shock.

 

the rest of the night goes smoothly. she feels happier than she has in a really long time; and she thinks it shows through the light in her eyes.

 

it’s over too soon for her liking, as yena gives their little goodbye speech before they head backstage.

 

she lets the three girls pull her into a group hug, all of them giddy and laughing like maniacs.

 

“you’re way better than jisu,” yena states bluntly, making yeji swat at her.

 

“i mean, her voice is amazing,” the girl explains, gesturing vaguely at her with her hands.

 

“it is isn’t it?”

 

heejin turns to see hyunjin once more, leaning on the doorframe.

 

she laughs airily, still adrenaline-high as she runs into the younger’s awaiting arms.

 

the taller swings her around a few times as they both giggle. the older pulls back to see the softest smile on the other’s face.

 

“you were amazing,” she whispers, lips almost touching her own.

 

she feels dizzy as the girl starts moving even closer.

 

—then ryujin clears her throat loudly making the two jump apart.

 

and all of a sudden all the adrenaline leaves her body, and she’s left with an overwhelming sadness when she realizes that she won’t get to experience this again.

 

hyunjin seems to pick up on the change of attitude as she grabs the older’s wrist, gently leading them outside.

 

“are you okay?” she asks. heejin exhales a shaky breath.

 

“no.”

 

the younger seems taken aback by her honesty.

 

“you could apply somewhere else and be accepted,” she whispers, almost as if she could read her thoughts.

 

the older girl shakes her head.

 

“there is nowhere else.”

 

“then you don’t want to be an idol that badly.”

 

her head whips up to look at the other girl, only to find her staring back, eyebrows raised challengingly.

 

“shut up,” she says weakly. hyunjin laughs.

 

the younger seems to hesitate before speaking.

 

“as you wish.”

 

heejin’s breath gets caught in her throat as the girl references the princess bride, her favorite book since childhood.

 

hyunjin knows that. she also knows what those words really mean.

 

she pretends that the younger didn’t just confess her love in the most discrete way

possible.

 

her head turns back to the city streets, cars still whizzing by.

 

“i should get going. tell the girls i said bye,” she speaks. the taller girl nods.

 

not before catching her wrist and pulling her into a soft kiss, though.

 

“for your amazing performance,” the girl says, eyes shining with mischief.

 

“thanks.”

 

the adrenaline returns as she walks home.

 

her and hyejoo play video games all night again.

 

///

 

the little bit of light streaming in through her black-out curtains is barely enough to outline hyunjin’s soft features, but heejin still stares at her like it’s the first time she’d ever looked at anyone in her life.

 

they had another sleepover last night. she doesn’t quite know when they started doing that again, everything seems to blur together when she’s with the other girl.

 

but it doesn’t matter to her because kim hyunjin is asleep in her bed, messy hair sprawled behind her.

 

heejin takes in every little detail she can, from the mole beside the younger’s eye to the way her ears poke out even with her hair down.

 

her breathing becomes choked the longer looks. she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling, but she knows it’s not normal to look at your best friend the way she is right now.

 

then again, they’ve never really been just friends.

 

she’d never admit that, though. especially after the way everyone treated her mother when she married another woman.

 

hyunjin doesn’t deserve that.

 

suddenly, big doe eyes are blinking open, and deep brown orbs gaze into her own.

 

time stops for her in that moment.

 

she jumps back like she’d been burned, making the younger laugh quietly. she pushes down the butterflies in her stomach at the sound.

 

“morning,” the girl rasps, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

 

heejin looks at her for a little longer while she stretches, canines on display as she yawns exaggeratedly.

 

“so when do your aunts get here?” hyunjin asks, rolling over fully to her side to meet the older’s eyes.

 

she hums for a moment as she thinks back. “i don’t know, before dinner i think?”

 

the younger looks like she’s about to say something until suddenly her door is thrown open, startling both girls.

 

hyejoo stands tall in her doorway, eyes red and swollen as if she’d been crying. heejin wordlessly pats the spot in the middle of her bed.

 

her sister practically flings herself into the older’s awaiting arms, tears beginning to fall again.

 

“what happened?” she asks quietly, hand stroking the younger’s hair. hyunjin pats her back awkwardly, sending the smaller girl a concerned look.

 

“chaewon said we shouldn’t hang out anymore,” she sniffs, snot staining her older sister’s shirt.

 

heejin grimaces, but still pulls her in a little closer. “why would she say that?” she questions.

 

hyejoo shakes her head. “i don’t know, she said that i should spend more time with yerim,” the youngest mumbles.

 

hyunjin and her lock eyes.

 

“i thought i’d come to you because, well... you know,” her sister trails off. the older stiffens.

 

“maybe we should talk later,” she mumbles, painfully aware of her best friend’s presence next to her.

 

“no, i might be able to give you some insight,” hyunjin offers. heejin clenches her teeth together.

 

the youngest finally removes her face from her sister’s shirt, moving back to sit up fully as she looks at the other girl for advice.

 

“do you think i did something?” she asks weakly. hyunjin shakes her head.

 

“no, i think chaewon likes you,” she states bluntly. hyejoo looks like she’s seen a ghost with the way her eyes widen.

 

“wh—h-how do you know that?” she stutters, hands nervously fidgeting.

 

the other girl shrugs. “like i said, i think i’m the best person to give you advice.”

 

her sister’s eyes widen even more as she looks between the two older girls.

 

“you liked heejin?” she blurts, shrinking back when the oldest gives her an icy glare.

 

hyunjin just looks at her in response.

 

“you should talk to chae,” heejin says, trying to change the topic.

 

“she doesn’t want to talk to me.”

 

hyejoo’s gaze moves to the comforter, hands still fidgeting. she swears she sees tears start clinging to her eyelashes again.

 

“hye, do you like her?” she asks, trying to sound as nice as possible— which for her, was still a little bitchy.

 

the girl continues playing with a loose string of the fabric under her, letting out a loud sniff. after being stared down by her sister for a few moments, she offers a little shrug.

 

heejin sighs deeply, running a hand over her face.

 

“i think you should figure that out,” she tells her sister.

 

hyejoo nods, getting up to leave the room.

 

the older sits in silence for a while, eyes closed as she tries to ignore the awkward atmosphere between her and hyunjin.

 

“i’m sorry about that,” she apologizes.

 

“don’t be.”

 

hyunjin’s smile is genuine, making her eyes light up.

 

she doesn’t know what comes over her when she leans in, leaving the softest of pecks on her lips.

 

it wasn’t like they hadn’t kissed before— actually they’ve been doing it since middle school when hyunjin insisted that the only way to learn how to kiss someone was with your best friend.

 

but now it’s different. now they’re not twelve and just figuring out their feelings, they’re basically adults— and adults should know better.

 

she still does it, though. she doesn’t really know when that started becoming a regular occurrence either. just that one day pretty recently, she found it more common than not for her lips to end up on the other’s at some point every time they hung out.

 

“i should go before my grandma starts calling the cops,” the younger jokes, stretching her hands above her head.

 

heejin pulls her eyes away from the other’s mouth, giving a small nod as she tries to keep her disappointment at bay.

 

even after hyunjin leaves, and she’s left alone to clean her room before her neat freak aunt came home, she still thinks about the other’s lips and how soft they felt against her own.

 

she finds herself thinking about the younger girl a lot these days.

 

it’s a strange feeling, going from trying to completely ignore the girl’s presence to being her best friend again— but she thinks she might be happier.

 

her aunts jiwoo and jungeun are just as she last remembers them; grossly in love and extremely doting.

 

jiwoo greets her with a sloppy kiss on her cheek, immediately starting to ramble about how much taller she had gotten. heejin doesn’t have the heart to tell her she hasn’t grown an inch since eighth grade.

 

they tell an array of stories that she’s not entirely sure are true about all the places they’ve travelled in the past year—jungeun making sure to exaggerate just how much fun they had in their honeymoon suite.

 

heejin gags before quickly finishing off her food to go to her room. she loves her aunts, but dear god sometimes she just couldn’t be around them for long periods of time.

 

the screen of her phone lighting up over and over pulls her focus as soon as she enters her bedroom. she unlocks it to see a bunch of unread messages from hyunjin about a stray dog she found on their street.

 

hyunjin: bro... you have to come outside and see this dog.

 

she sighs as she reads the text, small smile blossoming onto her face. giddiness overtakes her as she changes into her sweatpants, making her way downstairs.

 

the sound of chatter distracts her when she reaches the lower level of the house. she decides to try and let her mom know she’s leaving— a very rare feat for her.

 

but then she hears the conversation that her mothers and aunts are having.

 

“i just don’t get it, she was the sweetest little kid ever; and now she’s a nightmare,” sooyoung’s familiar voice says. she pauses in her tracks, hiding behind a portion of the wall to listen.

 

“she never tells me anything, it’s like her emotions just... shut off when she became a teenager,” jinsoul speaks quietly. heejin feels her fists clench at the words.

 

“i don’t know, she seemed pretty happy today,” her aunt jiwoo tries to reason.

 

“it just scares me how detached she is from everything. i don’t want her to be so isolated.”

 

jinsoul sighs heavily at the brunette’s words.

 

“i hope she’s not too dependent on hyunjin again, god knows how that turned out last time.”

 

she doesn’t know why tears start to form in her eyes— everything being said is true. but she really doesn’t want it to be.

 

“hyunjin is a good kid, but i don’t know if she has the best intentions,” sooyoung chimes in.

 

heejin goes back upstairs as quietly as she can.

 

they’re right, she doesn’t know hyunjin’s intentions. hell, it could be a sick joke between her and all of her new friends to befriend her once more.

 

so she puts her phone on silent and ignores the younger’s flurry of texts and calls the rest of the night.

 

she wishes her chest didn’t burn every time she thought about the other girl.

 

she pretends it doesn’t.

 

(it doesn’t stop the tears from falling down her face, though.)

 

///

 

her phone dings for what might be the hundredth time that day.

 

hyunjin. always hyunjin.

 

heejin had been ignoring the other girl since saturday night, leaving her on read for two whole days.

 

she groans when her ringtone starts blaring, signifying that the younger was trying to call her this time.

 

“i can see you declining my calls.”

 

her body whips around a little too fast, making her neck ache. she rubs it sheepishly.

 

“um, yeah...” she trails off, purposely avoiding the other’s eyes.

 

a hand brushes under her chin, forcing her head to turn.

 

“heejin, what’s wrong?”

 

she hates how hyunjin has always been able to see right through her.

 

“nothing,” she mumbles, eyes closing in embarrassment. the younger sighs heavily, breath hitting the other’s face.

 

“what’s wrong?” she repeats, this time a little more sternly. heejin knows she’s not getting off easily.

 

“do you think i’m cold-hearted?” she blurts, eyes snapping open. hyunjin looks taken aback for a moment before answering immediately.

 

“no.”

 

“my mom thinks i am.”

 

“you’re not.”

 

“but she—“

 

“you’re not,” the girl repeats.

 

she meets her eyes only too see nothing but honesty shining through them.

 

“i’m sorry i ignored you,” she whispers. “i just... needed to think.”

 

“it’s alright,” hyunjin responds, stroking a hand softly down her cheek. she leans in, leaving a little peck on her lips before she brings the smaller into a hug.

 

heejin freezes for a second before melting into the girl’s embrace, inhaling her sweet perfume. she wishes she could stay like this forever.

 

but, they are standing in the middle of the school’s courtyard, both skipping class. and the likelihood of a teacher walking outside was pretty high, considering how the weather has gotten nice, meaning almost all of their classes are outside.

 

“wanna go eat?” hyunjin asks, pulling back to look at her. the older nods as the other tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

 

they skip the rest of the day, spending their time at a pizza place around the block.

 

heejin laughs boisterously at the absurd things the younger says, especially about the creepy balding man behind the counter.

 

they walk through the park, the older girl’s cheeks flushing when the younger barks back at every dog she sees, prompting her to try and pull the girl away, embarrassed. she still giggles when they walk away from the extremely offended looking old lady, though.

 

“you know who that dog reminds me of?” hyunjin pipes up.

 

“who?”

 

“moomin,” she exclaims.

 

heejin pouts at the reminder of her childhood dog who she had to put down at thirteen.

 

“i miss him,” she whines, eyes filling with tears. that dog was her biggest confidant for years.

 

“we should get a dog like that,” the younger speaks, eyes trained towards the sky.

 

“why would we get a dog?” the older asks.

 

hyunjin seems to flinch back when she realizes what she said.

 

“i mean like in the future, one of us should get a shi tzu,” she mumbles, unsuccessfully trying to backtrack.

 

heejin decides to let it slide, but still raises an eyebrow.

 

the rest of the day is spent at the dirty lake near the edge of the city where she grew up.

 

“remember when i taught you how to swim here?” the younger reminisces.

 

“yeah, and my mom made jinsoul dry us with the blow dryer,” the older giggles, thinking about how angry the brunette had gotten at the image of two soaking wet kids.

 

“i miss that,” hyunjin whispers with a fond smile, eyes staring into the water.

 

“me too,” she responds.

 

the younger looks up to meet her eyes.

 

“we can be close like that again, right?” she asks.

 

“of course,” she responds honestly. hyunjin smiles.

 

“let’s go home,” she says airily.

 

heejin considers her next words carefully.

 

“as you wish,” she mumbles.

 

she doesn’t miss the way the other girl’s eyes widen, though.

 

and at that lake, she thinks that they could be even closer than they were before.

 

///

 

it’s loud; way too loud.

 

that’s her immediate thought as she wanders aimlessly through the masses of bodies littering the makeshift dance floor.

 

apparently the looming day of graduation really is taking a toll on the entire senior class— that’s why ryujin takes it upon herself to throw a party.

 

heejin doesn’t want to go in the slightest, but hyunjin begs her to come, telling her she wants to see her.

 

so, now she finds herself inside of ryujin’s mansion, drink in hand as she seeks out the younger girl.

 

she finds chaewon first. well, actually chaewon finds her, stomping up to her through the crowds of people.

 

“i’m going to talk to hyejoo tonight,” she states confidently, nose upturned.

 

heejin raises an eyebrow. “okay,” she says slowly.

 

the two stare eachother down for a long moment.

 

the blonde lets out a deep breath.

 

“i’m really nervous,” she admits quietly.

 

“don’t be.”

 

“what if she doesn’t like me?”

 

“then find someone who does.”

 

the younger looks at her with sharp eyes for a moment before softening.

 

“alright, i can do this,” she says as she walks off, more to herself than her friend.

 

the older chuckles lightly. she averts her eyes back to the crowd only to find cat-like ones staring back at her.

 

her face breaks into a huge grin as she walks over.

 

“hey, let’s go outside,” the girl shouts over the music, taking the other’s hand as she leads her out the doors.

 

when the wind hits her face she inhales deeply, eyes closing.

 

“ryujin is setting off fireworks in a few minutes. wanna go see them?” the younger asks.

 

heejin nods excitedly. they find themselves in hyunjin’s car, parked on the edge of a small hill as they wait for the light show to start.

 

hyunjin looks over at her from the drivers seat, eyes soft.

 

“i missed you.”

 

the girl’s soft whisper makes her insides melt. she leans over the console to press a soft kiss to the younger’s lips.

 

hyunjin doesn’t seem to want to let her go too easily, though. the girl grabs the back fo her neck, bringing her head impossibly closer as heejin bites on her lower lip.

 

they’ve never kissed so intensely before, the line between friendship and relationship being a bit blurred between little pecks here and there, but nothing like the way the younger is kissing her right now.

 

the booming sound of fireworks ruins it though, making the older jump back into her seat and away from the other.

 

hyunjin laughs at her antics, making heejin whine softly.

 

“that’s not fair, i was caught off guard,” she pouts, arms crossing.

 

the younger just stares at her, soft smile on her face.

 

then, she mumbles something that the older can’t decipher, the sound outside skewing her hearing. she strains her eyes to try and read the other’s lips, but her attempts are futile, as the car is way too dark.

 

“what?” she asks.

 

hyunjin takes a deep breath before speaking.

 

“i’m in love with you.”

 

heejin freezes, blood rushing to her head. her eyes widen in shock and her mouth hangs agape as she takes in what she thinks she heard.

 

she clenches her hands once, twice, three times.

 

she slowly relaxes her face.

 

“what?” she giggles nervously. surely the fireworks were too loud for her to actually hear what the other said.

 

but then they stop.

 

a familiar tune plays over the radio softly. she recognizes it as her mom’s piano composition. the one about love that she struggled for so long to write.

 

it feels bitterly ironic.

 

she looks up and into the other girl’s face, and hyunjin repeats herself so confidently, heejin’s eyes seem to double in size.

 

her breath becomes shaky as she slowly turns to the front of the car, scarily stiff in her seat.

 

“heejin?”

 

she continues staring out the window blankly, eyes glazing over. she swears her throat starts constricting.

 

she feels like she’s suffocating.

 

they sit for what feels like hours, neither girl daring to move. heejin swears she sees a tear fall onto the other’s cheek from the corner of her eye.

 

she pretends she doesn’t see it.

 

then the sharp sound of her ringtone echoes throughout the otherwise silent car, the melody over the radio ending.

 

she reaches for it without averting her eyes.

 

she exhales a shaky breath as she answers it.

 

the sound of chaewon’s sobbing fills her ears as she barely makes out the words, “hyejoo,” and “i can’t.”

 

hyunjin is dead quiet beside her.

 

“can you come find me?” the blonde sniffs loudly through one end of the receiver.

 

heejin has to make a decision in that moment.

 

her mind briefly flashes to the times the kids at her school would wait outside to yell the words, “dyke,” at her mom.

 

all the times people side-eyed her and whispered as she walked by.

 

the people in middle school who would call her and hyunjin lesbians because of how close they were.

 

the laughs that would follow shortly after. god, she hated that sound.

 

it doesn’t matter what she feels or what she wants— she can’t put her or hyunjin through that again.

 

so no matter how badly she wants to be with the other;

 

—she’s too weak to pick the right decision.

 

“yeah i’ll be there,” she mumbles, voice hushed.

 

she doesn’t look at hyunjin once as she gets out of the car.

 

she pretends she can’t hear the younger girl sobbing from the vehicle as she walks slowly down the hill.

 

her body feels numb as she moves robotically through the crowds of people.

 

she can barely make out the distinct blonde of chaewon’s hair from where her head is buried into her hands.

 

the girl is sitting alone on the back steps, sobbing loudly.

 

heejin sits down, face stoic.

 

the blonde sniffs before looking up. her eyes are stark red and puffy as snot drips out of her nose.

 

they take in the looks on each other’s faces.

 

neither girl has to speak a word the rest of the night.

 

heejin stumbles through her front door around one in the morning to find her step-mother awake and watching naruto on the couch.

 

she slumps against the door, slowly sliding to the ground.

 

her head fills rushes with blood, the sound of it pumping echoing loudly in her ears.

 

and in that moment, she can’t make it up to her room fast enough to let herself feel.

 

she can make out a flash of blonde hair through her tears and can almost hear the mumbles of the woman trying to console her, but she’s too far gone.

 

her sobs ring startlingly loud throughout the house. that’s probably what wakes her mom up, the brunette rushing down the stairs.

 

and when the brunette bends down next to her wife, equally as concerned; heejin just feels so, so bad.

 

because they were right. she had shut everyone out and tried to turn her emotions off.

 

not because she wanted to, but because she felt like it was the only way she could get through every day.

 

but now here she sits, knowing she’s broken the one person who saw right through her’s heart.

 

and then she thinks that in a way she’s broken her mothers’ hearts, too.

 

she collapses into their arms, still sobbing so heavily she feels like her chest is going to burst.

 

but god, does she want her mom.

 

it feels like it’s been hours when she’s finally calmed down— and it honestly might have been.

 

she manages to look up at the women, eyes still glossy and bloodshot.

 

“i’m sorry,” she whispers, voice strained.

 

“for what?”

 

the genuine curiosity in the brunette’s voice makes her want to cry again— like she actually had no idea what her daughter was apologizing for.

 

she wishes she didn’t resent her mother for marrying another woman.

 

“everything.”

 

her mom collects her back into her arms, lightly stroking her hair.

 

and she feels so comfortable right then and there, that she spills everything to the two women.

 

literally everything.

 

from her being six years old and watching jinsoul walk out of her life, to her being eighteen and trying to walk out of hyunjin’s.

 

the two women listen patiently through the entire thing, even though it’s well past four in the morning, and they’re still sitting in the foyer on the cold tile.

 

when she’s finished, she meets her mothers’ eyes only to see tears glossing both of their faces as well.

 

“heejin...” the blonde starts softly, wiping away the wetness under her eyes.

 

“please tell us things,” she says. heejin laughs lightly, though it comes out choked.

 

“i will,” she promises.

 

///

 

her breath comes out unevenly at the advice her mothers try to give her.

 

“all you have to do is say it back,” jinsoul explains, taking a long sip of her coffee.

 

heejin opts to stare at the corny lettering on the mug that says, ‘abs are cool, but have you tried donuts?’ instead of responding.

 

“heekie, just tell the damn girl how you feel,” sooyoung exasperates after her lack of response.

 

she shrinks back at her mother’s harsh tone.

 

“i don’t know if i can,” she whimpers, lip quivering.

 

the brunette rolls her eyes as the blonde looks at her sympathetically.

 

“just say it, it’s three words,” her mom says. the younger’s mouth turns into a grimace.

 

realistically it should be hard to tell the girl she’s pretty sure she’s loved since middle school that she loves her, but feelings have always been a complicated thing when it comes to her.

 

she looks up at the sound of jinsoul sighing.

 

“i know you have a lot of spite towards love, but that’s not something that you should take out on her,” she reasons.

 

“i’m not taking it out on—“ she starts to protest.

 

“you are,” her mom chimes in, shutting her up.

 

“put that resentment on us,” the brunette speaks softly. “and then move on.”

 

heejin looks back down at her step mom’s mug.

 

“what if i can’t?” she asks quietly.

 

“then that’s on you,” jinsoul supplies, raising the cup to her lips once more.

 

she sighs heavily.

 

“okay, i’ll try and find her,” she says.

 

and to her credit, she does try and find her at school that day, but the younger doesn’t show.

 

she sees no point in attending classes if hyunjin isn’t there. however, it’s another person who stops her in the halls.

 

“hey, heejin,” ryujin yells.

 

the older turns to be startled at how close the younger had gotten. she staggers back a few steps.

 

“woah, sorry,” the girl laughs.

 

“look, i really gotta go—“

 

ryujin doesn’t let her speak.

 

“jisu dropped out. come tour with us.”

 

heejin pauses, mouth opening.

 

“w-what?” she stutters.

 

the younger sighs. “look, i know you don’t like me, and i’m okay with that, so this isn’t because i have a crush on you,” she starts, making heejin blush.

 

“we got an offer— jyp wants us to tour under him, he wants us to go all around asia,” ryujin explains.

 

“i know you didn’t get into bbc, but i think you’re too talented to never sing again.”

 

the older opens and closes her mouth stupidly, trying to form a coherent response.

 

“just think about it.” and with that, the other girl turns and walks away.

 

she stands frozen in the hall, mouth still hanging open.

 

ryujin’s offer was a one in a million chance. there was no way she could refuse.

 

when she explains the whole situation to her moms, they begrudgingly agree.

 

she tries to text and call hyunjin, leaving an array of desperate voicemails— but the younger never responds.

 

after being informed by a robotic voice that her call has gone to message, a knock on her door startles her.

 

“come in,” she yells absentmindedly.

 

she looks up to see hyejoo. and boy, was she a hot mess.

 

“i did something really stupid,” her sister confesses, playing with a string on her sweatshirt.

 

“i assumed so,” heejin muses. hyejoo looks up to meet her eyes. she looks miserable.

 

“i told chaewon i didn’t feel the same way,” she explains quietly, little sniffles leaving her body.

 

the older sighs heavily. “why would you do that?” she asks.

 

her sister shrugs. “i was scared.”

 

heejin drops her judgemental stare.

 

“well, i can’t really give you advice because i basically did the same to hyunjin,” she admits, voice exhausted.

 

hyejoo sits next to her on the bed.

 

“we’re a little bit fucked up aren’t we?” she breathes. heejin nods in agreement.

 

“hye?” she begins. she’s been dying to ask her sister this question since she was six, but she never wanted to reveal anything she felt.

 

“were you ever angry at mom for marrying jinsoul?”

 

the younger presses her lips into a thin line, staring blankly at the wall.

 

“yes,” she says hesitantly. “but not like you were.”

 

heejin’s eyebrows furrow. “you knew?” she questions.

 

her sister looks at her stoically.

 

“of course, dumbass. you basically became a hoodlum at age nine. don’t think i didn’t notice,” she deadpans.

 

the older huffs. “but i never told you,” she says, suddenly becoming very annoyed.

 

“you never tell anyone anything, but i think i was the only one who knew. well, me and hyunjin.”

 

she takes a moment to absorb the other’s words.

 

“i think you should tell chaewon if you like her,” she speaks, catching the younger off guard.

 

“pot kettle black,” hyejoo grumbles, face dropping into a pout.

 

“yeah, i know,” heejin huffs once more, rolling her eyes.

 

her sister looks at her strangely for a moment.

 

“thanks,” she whispers.

 

“for what?”

 

hyejoo smiles slightly. “being a good big sister.”

 

the other groans loudly, pushing the taller off her bed.

 

“get out of my room, you’re disgusting,” she gags, making her sister laugh.

 

“tell hyunjin how you feel,” she shouts as she retreats to her room.

 

if only it were that easy.

 

///

 

hyunjin has completely blocked her out.

 

whether it’s on social media, text, even in person, when she makes her grandma tell her she’s not there— heejin can’t seem to speak to her.

 

she never shows up to the one class they share together, and she speeds out of school as soon as the bell rings.

 

she’s lost her chance. and that’s on her.

 

so she spends the days leading up to graduation watching naruto with jinsoul and playing mario kart with hyejoo in between rehearsals with her new band.

 

and although it feels like hyunjin has left a gaping hole in her heart, she can’t be too upset when she’s singing.

 

“hey, have you talked to hyunjin?” ryujin asks as she begins walking out of the practice room.

 

heejin pauses abruptly, back going rigid at the mention of the other’s name.

 

“why?” she asks through gritted teeth.

 

“just wondering,” the younger responds, holding up her hands in surrender.

 

the older fully turns her body around.

 

“has she talked to you?” she asks, coming off desperate. she winces at the sound of her own voice.

 

“not really, but she seems sad,” ryujin says hesitantly. heejin’s face drops.

 

“i fucked up,” she mutters, eyes trailing to the ground.

 

“i figured.”

 

ryujin’s light tone makes her smile weakly.

 

“i hope things get sorted out,” she says genuinely. the older looks up to meet her eyes.

 

“thank you,” she breathes, eyes glimmering with sadness.

 

it’s only a week later when she graduates— marking the end of her torturous school journey.

 

she sleeps through the majority of the ceremony, the valedictorian, nancy, boring her with her speech about how, “everyone is a big family.”

 

she thinks she remembers nancy being the first to start calling her and hyunjin lesbians in middle school.

 

chaewon nudges her awake right as her name is being called. she stumbles up the steps, almost tripping on her gown. the crowd laughs.

 

she spots her moms in the audience, both sporting embarrassingly large cameras as they cheer obnoxiously.

 

she’s pushed off the stage subtly by the dean when she sticks up her middle finger for a picture.

 

giggles leave her lips as she walks down the stairs careful not to fall.

 

and then as she’s walking back to her seat, hyunjin meets her eyes.

 

her body pauses, eyes going wide as she tries to mouth the words she so desperately needs to say.

 

but her face refuses to move.

 

hyunjin breaks eye contact, and heejin thinks her entire heart has been shattered.

 

this whole feelings thing is really fucking with her.

 

after the ceremony, she drowns her sadness in ice cream, as she sits with her family, reminiscing on when they used to come here after soccer.

 

even though she’s upset over hyunjin, she tries to forget about the girl for the night and be with her moms and sister.

 

it was her last night before she left for her tour.

 

so she spends it laughing, and joking, and crying with the three people who have taken her on a damn roller coaster ride the past eighteen years— and she can’t find a place for her to be sad when hyejoo’s overbite shows in the way she smiles so brightly, and when her moms start blubbering about how proud they are after a few drinks.

 

because as much as she loves hyunjin, she hates that she forgot about the other people in her life she loves.

 

it’s almost midnight when she retreats to her room, smile still on her lips.

 

then as her foot makes it’s way to the next step, she freezes at her mom’s shouting.

 

“heejin, hyunjin’s here to see you!”

 

her breath becomes ragged as she turns around, sprinting to the door.

 

and in all of her glory, kim hyunjin stands on her front porch, looking down sheepishly.

 

“hey,” she whispers.

 

“hey.”

 

her mom steps away with a smirk. “i’ll leave you to it,” she muses, walking up the stairs.

 

“i’m sorry,” they blurt at the same time.

 

“no, really i’m sorry,” hyunjin says, voice choked.

 

“i know you’re leaving tomorrow, and i just wanted to see you one last time, because i—“ she starts rambling.

 

heejin cuts her off.

 

“i’m in love with you.”

 

this time it’s the younger’s body who goes stiff, and her eyes that go wide. but instead of walking away, she quickly breaks into a smile, launching herself at the smaller girl as she presses their lips together in a searing kiss.

 

they laugh as their lips meet over and over, and neither of them realize they’re crying until they can taste the salt.

 

heejin pulls away, resting her forehead against the other girl’s.

 

“i have to go home. but, i’m glad i got to see you,” the younger whispers.

 

her heart sinks.

 

“no, you can stay, and—“

 

“i have to go. but i love you,” she smiles, cupping the older girl’s face.

 

heejin can’t help but smile back, even though there’s a pang in her chest at the prospect of not seeing hyunjin until after the tour.

 

“you’ll wait for me?” the younger asks.

 

she doesn’t even have to think before the reference slips through her lips.

 

“as you wish.”

 

///

 

jinsoul is a hot mess as she drops her off at the airport, face streaked with tears and face swollen and red from her sobbing.

 

her wife tries to comfort her, but there was no consoling the blonde.

 

“mom, i’ll be fine, i’ll call as soon as we land,” she says for the thousandth time.

 

jinsoul breaks into more sobs. “my little bunny is leaving me,” she whimpers.

 

heejin rolls her eyes. but she still pulls her into a tight hug, not caring if the tears stain her shirt.

 

the woman pulls back to cup her face.

 

“i love you,” she says, voice strangled. heejin laughs.

 

“love you, too.”

 

luckily, the other two girls are a lot less emotional, hyejoo saying a quick goodbye after promising to speak to chaewon.

 

her mom pulls her aside.

 

“i’m proud of you,” she smiles. the younger scoffs.

 

“well, you shouldn’t be. not yet, at least,” she mumbles, looking ashamed.

 

“hey, it’s alright. you were a pain in my ass, but i guess it’s karma,” her mom reassures her. the raven haired girl’s eyebrows furrow.

 

“karma?”

 

the brunette smiles.

 

“for being such a milf.”

 

heejin groans exaggeratedly, but still lets a giggle slip out.

 

her mom’s face softens.

 

“i love you, you know. more than anything,” she reminds her, eyes shining with sincerity.

 

the younger’s eyes reflect the same feeling.

 

“more than hyejoo?” she quips, eyebrow quirking.

 

“ok, maybe not anything,” sooyoung grumbles.

 

she gets pulled into another tight hug as she bids farewell to her family.

 

“okay, this is it,” she breathes.

 

and with that she begins to open the door leading to the private terminal.

 

 

then she hears something that makes her hand freeze mid-air where it hovers over the handle.

 

“you really thought i’d wait for that long?”

 

her eyes grow comically wide as she turns to see kim hyunjin once more.

 

—holding a suitcase and guitar.

 

“wha—“ heejin stutters.

 

“remember when i said i play guitar for the band every once in a while?” she asks.

 

heejin nods dumbly.

 

“well, apparently jyp thought the band could use another guitarist— you know, since yeji’s moving to keyboard; and apparently ryujin recommended me,” she smiles. the older turns to see said girl standing behind them, shooting a quick wink before turning and walking into the terminal.

 

her eyes fill with tears unwillingly as her throat closes, and even though she’s never been very good at voicing how she feels, she doesn’t need to speak for hyunjin to know how happy she is.

 

and although she can’t pinpoint the exact moment she started being so hostile to the world, right now as she looks into hyunjin’s cat-like eyes,

 

—she knows when she stops.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> twitter is @haseulthicc.. stan twitter is making me unhinged


End file.
